The Petri Project

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “The best way to express my anger with people is by writing a vaguely threatening note and taping it to an appliance”? If so, you may be a perpetrator of passive-aggressive note syndrome.

Anyone who’s worked in an office or lived with roommates is familiar with the phenomenon—those irritating notes that appear in the dead of night, taped to the fridge or the microwave or above the sink, loaded with thinly veiled rage and exclamation points, and concluding with an insincere “Thanks!!” and/or a smiley face.

But if you still don’t know what I’m talking about, take a spin around passiveaggressivenotes.com, a pretty hilarious site where people post the “helpful reminders” they’ve received. (Also interesting are the reader discussions about whether the notes are actually passive, or mostly aggressive.)

This form of “communication” has become such a regular part of our culture (sidebar: are passive aggressive notes rampant in other nations too?), at least one woman has built an entire business on the premise, seemingly unaware that it’s perhaps not the most effective way to go. The “lifestyle company” called Pardon MOI (I guess the “moi” is in caps because it’s all about ME) suggests you channel your anger into pre-printed, business-card sized snarks and hand them out. Examples include: “Pardon MOI, I couldn’t help but notice that your attire isn’t workplace appropriate,” and “Pardon MOI, I couldn’t help but notice that your conversation is a little loud.” From the website:

The best part of Pardon MOI is the delivery—you can either hand the card to your neighbor and watch their reaction, or you can slip it anonymously under the door, into the mail, or tape it to the underside of a toilet seat.

Indeed, there is a card that reads, “Pardon MOI, I couldn’t help but notice that you left the seat up.” It seems most every occasion is ripe for one of these passive aggressive notes. Take for example a card from the “Dating Edition” (yikes), which reads, “Pardon MOI, I can’t help but notice that you’re moving too fast.” (So you… yank the card out of your pocket… and hand it to your date… when, exactly?) As for *why* the folks at Pardon MOI think this is a good idea:

The ultimate goal of Pardon MOI is to increase communication [ed's note: HA!] and help people say what they need to say in a nonconfrontational, humorous way [again, the ed can't help herself: HA!].

While the Pardon MOI people may mean well, as recipients of passive aggressive notes know, this approach rarely earns the desired result (see photo above). And for good reason. According to WorkHelp.org:

The purpose of passive-aggressive behavior is to express anger without having to be responsible for that anger, so anger can be denied. This type of communication is frustrating for people who have to deal with it because the person using it is not willing to actually deal with whatever is bothering them, but would prefer to play guerilla-warfare by pecking at others in oblique ways.

If you’re recognizing yourself in these descriptions, never fear. Coping.org offers several tools for eliminating passive aggressiveness, including:

1. Try to be assertive, open, and honest with my negative feelings or anger.
2. Take the risk to confront my anger assertively and “on the spot” so that I can bring my behavior in line with my feelings.
3. Work at being more honest with people even if it results in a conflict.
4. Identify the irrational thinking that prevents me from confronting people when I am angry.
5. Accept that it is okay to have conflict and disagreement.

As for anyone dealing with a passive aggressive person, just post this list on the fridge… and don’t forget the smiley face.

Photo credit: wilbanks on Flickr.